[INTRO THEME TUNE]
Arin=A A: Hey, welcome back… D: Hello! Welcome back to Game Grumps…
A: …oh, it’s my turn. D: …it is Arin’s turn. Yet, he was handing me the controller…
A: I thought i was… D: In a–in a…in an incredible move of sportsmanship..!
A: i thought i moved already… A: I was SO confident about my move that I thought I already did it. D: Yeah. How ’bout that. A: How ’bout THAT. D: …uh… [Arin laughs] A: “Cash me ousside!”
[Danny laughs] A: “Howbow DAH…”
D: I don’t want to cash you outside… A: “Cash me ousside!” A: That’s the million dollar line, dude. [danny processing] D: It did make her a million dollars! A: I love–I love the actual clip… A: …’cause I hate Dr. Phil… A: …and i love–i love–he’s just fuckin’… A: She’s like “cash me ousside, howbow dah?” And he’s like… A (in his best Dr. Phil): mmsorry what did you say…?
[Arin and Danny both laugh] A (still Phil’n it up): What was that…? D (In HIS best DPhily): I’m LEGITIMATELY confused! A (100% Phil Content): “Cash me ousside…?” [Danny laughs] A (Lost in the thrill of the Phil): What did you say…? A: And then the mom’s like: A (takes on the voice of the mother): She’s saying that she’ll beat you up, if you–if you wanna go outside and fight her… [Arin and Danny both laugh] D: Oh, the mom is there…?
A: Yeah! D: Yeah I guess she’s only like, thirteen, how would she have gotten to the– A (after D takes his pawn): TAKE IT…
D: –studio… A: …TAKE IT MOTHERFUCKAH… D: I did. A: Why you takin’ that pawn, when I could take your pawn? D (feelin’ the nausea) ssssSTOOOOP… HUUUUURGH A: Why are they doing this?! D: Why IS this a thing??? D: Aw, that’s terrible. A (in a silly pawn voice): AH DID IT!!!
In-game Pawn: [screams] [Arin and Danny laugh at the ridiculous pawn scream] A (silly pawn voice): VICTORY!!!
D: I was not… D: …prepared
A: It’s my turn! D: That was a–that was a real, intense pawn yell. A: Just like Ponyo… A: …the MiyaZAHki film. A: Check this out; watch this! A: I fully expect the board to spin at least five times. D: Ooooh GOD!
A: …One, two…! A: ooooo
[Danny makes a whack sound effect with his mouth] D: teehee, teehee!
A (silly pawn voice strikes back): NOW IM GONNA EATCHU FOR DINNUH!!! [The black pawn laugh/cries to death…???] D: …What is he doing?
A: He’s tickling his feet. D: Oh…
A: With a knife. D: And he’s dead. D: Well.
[Arin laughs] D: That guy had a good run.
[Arin mimics the silly pawn, crying now that his existence has ceased on this realm. Danny joins in.] A: Johann George! If you pl–if you made this game… A: Just own it, dude. Just own it.
D: Yeah. A: Fuckin’ Johann George
D: And God knows WE own it. D: And… D: …there’s nothin’ we can do about it…
A: I own it because someone fuckin’ sent it to me, bro. D: Yeah, that was a–that was a cool move of them. A (incredulous): W-What are you..? Doing?
D: Do we know who sent this to him? D: S-Sent this to us..? A: UH.
D: We should–we should give them full credit. A: Yeah i’m sure.
[Clapping SFX fades in] A: I’m sure we do. I gotta look it up on my phone.
[Clapping intensifies] D: YEAH I mean shit, whatever, probably.
[Clapping starts to fade away…] A: Fuck. We haven’t played like, a new game in a long time that we had to credit… A: …so, I forgot we had to do that. Fuck.
D: Mmm D: That’s okay. A: But thanks for reminding me.
D: No problem. A (in a silly voice): oh, tanks for weminding me
[Danny laughs] A: Uuummm..
[Danny’s still goin’.] A: What are you plotting…? D (in a silly voice): Ahm sorry, what you saaay?
[Arin laughs] A (adopts D’s silly voice as his own): Ahm sorry what wuz that? C…Cash… A (Oh God it’s Dr. Phil): Cash
D (Oh God, him too): Cash me… A (Embodying the essence of Dr. Phil): “Cash me oussiiiiide…?”
[Danny laughs] A (The Dr. Phill incantation wears off): Whaaat did you saaaay…? A: I don’t think you want to sacrifice your rook to kill a pawn, so. A: Or is this what you wanted, and there’s some kind of fuckin’ secret… A: …society goin’ on… [Black rook blocks White bishop] A: …Aaaowh….
[Danny laughs] A: God dang it… A (emphatically): DAHNG IT…!
[Danny laughs harder] A: But you’re d–you’re…but it’s gonna die!!! D (quietly): What’s gonna die?
A: My hrrr-rook is gonna… D (mockingly): My hrrr-ROOK
A: Fuk you uhp! D: MY HRR-ROOK… A: Alright. STOP it. D (emphatically): NAHT to be confused with my hrrr-rishop! A: Uh-oooooh… D: Uh-ooh. A: Um. D (channeling Eminem): Bitches hoppin’ in my tahooe…! [in-game horn sound] D: Whoah! What was that..?
A: Don’t make a fuckin’ noise! D: Yeah, was that the battle horn?
A: Yeah. A: It was like…
(Danny makes a horn noise) A (horn voice): DOHN’T even TRHY it..! BuWHEEER… (Danny’s horn noise trails off…) A: I’m fucked, dude. I don’t have pieces anymore. D: You’re not fucked; you have exactly the same amount of pieces that I do! D: In fact, piece for piece: we are totally tied!
A: Tch…says you, man… D: Now it’s just time for bringing…it. (good recovery)
A: So all I gotta do is… A: ..that.
[Arin damns his pawn] A: But now my pawn is…dead. D: Right. That’s…the idea. A: But then you have more pieces now! You said we have the exact same amount of pieces, but LOGICALLY… A: We DON’T! And why’d you use the bish??? D: Because… A: Now you can take the rook… D (while laughing): That’s…exactly right. You answer your own questions.
[Arin sighs] D (as if he’s tilting with the screen) wHOAH…WHOAH…WHOAH..!
A: Why are you so good at the chess? A; Maybe it’s–what were you, in chess club? D: I was in chess club! We talked about that yesterday! A (sighing): Well, now you’re gonna take the bish… D: .. d’you mean the rook? I can’t take the bish. A: Well if I block the rook with the bish then you’ll…
D: Right. A: …take the bish…
D: Oh, yeah. D: No it’s…
A: …and then they’ll be no reason for me… A: …to do that, cuz you’ll just take the rook, too! D: I’m definitely on the offensive. A (sighing): You’re very offensive, to me.
D: Thank you, Arin. A: Ummmm…well… A (hopeless sigh): Fart on my tits…
[Danny laughs] [A three second long interlude of Arin being at a loss for words.] [Danny starts laughing at the futile struggle.] D (laughing): Arin!
Arin: Guuuuh…Zzzzzzzapp & Roger, dude… D (still goin): Zapp & Roger…? [Arin lets out the saddest grunt of misery] A: Color Me Badd…
[Danny laughs] [Arin sighs, but charges up his special attack] A (silly voice): DER GOES MY ROOOK, MAN! [its not very effective] A: DER GOOOES… A: IT’S DEED, MAN! A: I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know! A: F–NO! Not there! I can’t go there! A (damning himself): There…
D: W-Why there!? A (yelling): I DON’T KNOW, DAN!!!
D (laughing): O-Okay..! A: I’M IN A PANIC! I’M IN A FRENZY! D: If you went one more, underneath my rook, then I can’t do anything without…trading…and sacrificing. [Arin is in a tizzy] A: Yeah. Sure. D: But now I can just take the rook! D: I mean, i’ll lose the bishop, but you always want to trade a r–a bishop for a rook.
A: mmMAN… A (sighing): Shut up…
D: Okay… A: You’re right, and you’re right. And when you’re right, you’re right. D: …What the fuck just happened there…? A: I’m just gonna fuckin’… A: …take your stupid bish…
D: Mmkay. A: Bish. A (silly rook voice): Where’d it go??? I can’t find it!
D: Yeah, I’m just a building! [Rook sounds like he’s struggling.] A: It’s gonna smash it! A: Oh! It caught it!
D: Oh! It went inside! A: It’s digesting now…
D: Oh… A: I wanna see the whole digestion process…
D: Yeah, and… A: …where it like breaks down, he’s like: [Arin does a shrill bish scream] A: He’s just melting.
D: …converting him to feces… A: And then–and then he like, goes into the fetal position and just kinda dies. D: Yeah. D: That’s what I wanna see too, actually.
A: Yeah. A: Like he just sl–it’s like real saaad though, like he’s like [Another shrill, yet sad, yell from the dying bish…]
D (laughing) It’s real sad… A: And then just fuckin’, fades–you can see the life draining from his eyes… D: Oh, absolutely.
A: …as he gets digested… A: …by a fucking castle. D: I think it’s time to castle, speaking of which. A (sighing): Fuck you man…
D: Alright. D: Go…
A: If you’re so fuckin’ smart with your castle tactics. D: Arin. A: You think you are. D: All these flavors… and you chose salty…
(Arin chuckles, Danny joins in.) A: UUUuuhhh… A: How do you like THAM’APPLES…
D: Th-Tham’apples??? A: How do you like them–wait, no, I…can’t do that. D: Nope. A: Stop it. [in-game horn noise strikes back] [Arin mimics the horn noise] A: I don’t–I don’t wanna hear your jazzy licks right now
(Danny mimics the horn too, then laughs) D: Yeah there’s like, just a saxaphone player waiting on the side like: “Aw…” A: What do I do, man?
D: I don’t know! A: What do I–What do I do? D: You tell me! A: WELL…
[Danny laughs] A: The FIRST of all! I lose!
[Danny snorts.] [Arin struggles so hard it’s like the scat accompaniment to those jazzy licks] A: I’M TOTALLY DICKED! D (lying): You are not totally dicked. A: YEAH, man! What am I to do?! D (softly whispering): I don’t know… A: I don’t–I–I–y–exactly! I don’t know either! A: I’ll move here…
D: Mmkay. D: Great! A: What do you think about that?
D: Th-That you did a thing! A: T-That’s neither–that’s very…middle of the road…
[Danny laughs] A: …you gotta give me some feedback here.
D (laughing): That’s very milk toast. A (laughing): With a Q! D: Uuuh…yes. D: Um… A: Gimmie that K back, dude! A: Gimmie that K, I don’t want Q U E, that’s too many letters for K. D: Want that K! A: Gimmie that K. A: Check THIS shit out!
D: I’d love to. A: Check this fuckin’ shit out, how do you like that? A: You’re gettin–you’re gettin’ bonezoned, bro! A: You’re fuckin’ blocked!
D: You’re get haaard penis’d. A: Blocked from move in. A: Ya tit-wrangler.
[Danny laughs] D: I don’t wanna be a tit-wrangler! A: Y-Ya flesh-dangler! D: Whoah, I definitely don’t wanna be that.
A: Yeah you do. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) A: Oh, man. Come on, why do you want to steal my…pawn… D: What do you mean?
A: Come on… D: I’m not stealing it!
A: You’re going to! A: You’re baiting me to take that fucker, and then your… rooks gonna take it, and then its got free reign to the, well it doesn’t cuz the king’ll take it BUT THEN THE R–IT’LL PUT ME IN CHECK. A: So you’ll just get, for free,
[Danny laughs] A: and then you’ll, pin my king, and then you’ll win. D: I’ve never seen a more defeatist attitude in all my years of playing chess. D: Like, I can s-s-sixteen moves down the line i am FUCKED.
[Arin laughs] D: And there’s NOTHING I can do to prevent it. A: Watch THIS action! A: Satisfaction! D: Oh boy.
A: You’re still gonna do it, though! A: You’re still gonna do it! There’s nothin’ I can DO! A: Your rook’s are positioned perfectly!
[Danny laughs] A: You’re a…y– [stops to laugh] A: You’re a tit-grabber!
[Danny loses it] A: And a monster shit! You’re a MONSTER shit.
[There he goes…] A: How–How am I to…
D (still laughing): oh my god… A: What am I to dooo? I’ll go here. D: My god… that was funny… A: But if I take the…I could take your rook, and then you won’t have a rook to pin me with. A: But I’d lose my rook. A: And all I would have left is a, useless ass chocolate bishop. D: Why is he chocolate?
A: Because he’s only on the brown pieces. D: Oooh… (laughs) D: Gotcha! D: L–I mean, he’s vanilla… A: I’m gonna DO IT.
D: ..but he’s got jungle fever. A: I’m gonna DO IT, baby!
D: Alright? A: Let’s see what happens! A: I’m excited.
[Danny laughs] A (suddenly self-conscious): …Oh i’m not so excited anymore…
D: Alright…eh..fuck A: Castle Vs. Castle… D: Boy, I like that they made the castles…oh…boy… A: Why do they spin it on the point of impact?
D: I, don’t, know… A: So you can’t see the action.
D: It’s, really dumb, and ugly. A: Annnnd das my rook. A (emphatically): Das my rook! D (singsong): Everybody saayin’! Das My Rook! A: Annnd ZAP him with you–
D: And Ka-Jewsies! A: –whip crack… A: With his whoppy tail.
D: A whip crack with his whoopy tail! D: And the beast was done… D: Boy, they really… A: Why does he shrink them?
D: Yeah he just, minimizes things. A: Why doesn’t he just, blow em’ up or something? Or make em like–
D: Probably because he’s just– A: –bleed out like Ebola..
D: –he, oh, God. D: He’s the good one! Like, h-he’s the one who doesn’t wanna hurt anybody.
A: Oh. Okay. A: He’s the–he’s not hurting the rest of their lives by making them tiny? D: Wow, Arin.
A: And they go home to their lovers and their like: A (half-hearted tiny voice): S-Stay! In love with me!” A: And their like: “but you’re so tiiiny!”
D (laughs): NO CAAAN DO. [Arin sighs] D: Oh, wow! That didn’t even create a…a thing! D: It didn’t even have a cutscene… A: Wow, really?
D: Yeah! Didn’t you notice that? A: Oh, I can’t do that, cuz you’re… it’s my piece. [Danny mocks the in-game horn sound] A: Well, i’m still fucked! D (lying): You’re not fucked, man!
[Arin sighs helplessly] A: Y-Y-Well…says YOU…
D: Mmkay. A: …Mr. Person-Who’s-Not-Fucked! D: Okay. A: …But then you’ll just take that. [Danny, mocking the in-game horn, as is his wanton desire] A: But, well wait, no…you wont–you can’t take that–
D: I can’t take that. A: –because then i’ll, take you. So fuck you.
D: Yeah, see– [Danny laughs] A: WOW they’re just like done with the fuckin’…
D: Yeah, yeah… A: ..scene their like “alright lets get this over with.”
D: …they’re just like “alright– D: –yeah, you’ve seen this. Fuck it.”
[Arin sighs.] A: Whoah…
[popping noise] A: WHOAH… A: WHOAH NOW, you’re an All Star (get ur game on go play) A: and i cAN’T MOVE THIS PAWN!!!
[Danny giggles] A: SSSHIT. D: I CAN’T get my game on…OR go play… A: SHIIIT. A: Nooo! A: Wait.
[Danny laughs] A: Wait…
Danny (deeply, from a distant star): wait… A: Maybe yes..? [Arin seals his fate] D: Aw, are you ready for the fuckery? A: I KNEW you were–I KNEW IT! See, I KNEW it! I KNEW you!
D: I don’t– A: I KNOW YOU!
[Danny laughs] D: I don’t know if this game has en passant, but I think they probably do. [it does] D: Yup.
A (in awe): Oh, you sick tit… [Danny laughs] D: That’s–
A: I– D: You know know that is?
A: Yes! I know what en passant is! D: Okay, cool.
A: Jesus Christ… D: Alright. So yeah–
A: But explain it to the audience, so they know. [Both cackle] D: When you–when you’re–when you have–y-you–when you’ve advanced your pawn to a certain point… D: …in the board, um…where if he moves his pawn for the first time, one square they’ll be in danger? D: Uh…you can kill it no matter what. Like if he moves his pawn ahead two squares–like Arin just did–you can do en passant, which is where your pawn just slides past it and it kills it. D: It’s the only thing like that in the game. It’s very strange. D: But, it’s uh, one of the weird things of chess!
A: Well I always forget about it. A: Fuckin’ en passant… A: Don’t even–don’t even fuckin’ get me started on en passant.
[Danny laughs] A: I could go on a thirty minute rant about en passant D: Could you? D: Do–
A: Re–You’re not gonna use the stone? You’re just gonna run into em’? D: Oh there’s the st–okay
A: Oh there we go. D: Oop! Oh! Well! That looked painful!
A: Lot of murder, dude… D: There is!
A: A lot of murder goin on. A: UM… A: Hi, my name’s Arin. I’m fucked.
[Danny chuckles] D: You might actually be a little fucked at this point. A: You THINK?
D: Yeah… A: Oh, Dan do ya think so???
D: It’s–it’s starting to get there. A: Gee whiz… A (breaking): Look at me, i’m gonna! Try! My absolute hardest.. A: …to make SOMETHING happen..! A: Look at me, i’m Arin.. A: …100 years Arin and Dan
[Danny laughs] D: My hrrr-rook is in danger… D: Nope. D: AAah…
A: Why the fuck… A: Come on, you piece of garbo…
[Danny laughs again] A: Ya fuckin’ garbage. You.. [Arin sighs in defeat] D: Do you wanna… do you wanna call it? A: G–Noo!!!
D: Alright. A: C-Call it… D: …Arin Wins…
A: A–rngh…all of your pieces are on!!! A: Are on vanilla! D: Yeah.
A: And I only have a chocolate bishop! D (laughing): He’s not chocolate! He just has…j-jungle fever…
[Arin sighs] D: …like, chess jungle fever.
A: So schwhat am I to do now? D: Chungle fever… D: Um…
A: Schwhat am I to do? D: I don’t know, I don’t know. A: I ca–I’m dead! I lost.
D: If I–If I were– D: Like, if I were in that position, I would resign. D: Cause you can’t–you can’t checkmate me. [toll of the bell] A: What if these PAWNS got to the end…
D: Alright, the–I mean, yeah– D: –if they got–if they…if they became queens sure.
[Arin sighs] D: It’s gonna be, a lil’ difficult though… A: Wh-how. A (starts laughing): Explain that one to me, Dan!
D: Okay. You’re right. Okay. A: ALRIGHT I resign! Can I push my king over? Is that a function of the game? D: I don’t know…
A: Since it know fuckin’, en passant… D: Alright nevermind, I guess we just have to see this through to the end. D: Lets to Time Chess, where like, have to make your move immediately. A: Oh okay. Umm. Uhhh…Uuhhhh… A: Uuuhhhhh….. A: I–w-what move can i make? I lose! I resign! The end! A: You win! [ D A N W I N S ] D (laughing): Okay!
A: Dan realizes intelligence is more important..! [Danny cackles] [Jaunty Musical Montage] D: And here we go with the checkmate! Ḓ̶̨̊̄͘ ̷̳̩̈́̀̀͜͠A̸̢͍̻̅͊̍̈́̍ ̸̞̝̊͌̅N̶̟͓͓͙̺͋͑͂ ̵͈͇͖͈̌̆̽͑͜ ̵͇̳̎́͗͌̌W̷͈̆ ̷̨̠̻̈́I̶̻͍̝̓ ̷̧̻̀̋̈̂͋N̷̨̧͕͊̅̂̏ͅ ̶̫͚̬̱̿S̴̠̪̝̘̍̂͜͝ D: BLACK WINS! Wow!
A: Dangit… D: Boy that was really, fuckin’…that was a little overwhelming, honestly. A: Yeah. With all the animation and the board spinning and the green underside, they’re really gonna be like “Black Wins!” D: They just, killed a trumpet player, and made him like, blow his last breath
[Arin mimics the trumpet plays dying note one last time…] D: Black wins! Alright!
[Clapping SFX returns] D: Change that to Danny; we’re good.
[It changes to Danny, look! You can see it!] A: Thank you!
D: Love you! Bye! A: Bye, thanks…! [TV OFF] A: …I coulda had you, though! D: …You can always have me 😉 A: No, then you’re supposed to follow up with like, the, the speech from Fast and the Furious. [/had/ me???] D: OOOH, right!
A: You almost had me? A: You didn’t have your CAR! A: S-Straight…straight shiftin’ like you got a…six on the rock or some– A: –I don’t remember what the–
[Danny laughs into the darkness]