-You guys, it was 90 degrees
today in New York City. 90. Right now, every guy in your office
who wears shorts year-round is like, “Well, well, well,
now who’s the weirdo?” That’s right. It was 90 degrees
today here in New York. It was brutal out there.
On the sidewalk, people were spritzing themselves
with pumpkin spice lattes. -Really?
-I saw — Yeah. It was so hot,
I saw a hot dog vendor fanning himself
with health code violations. [ Laughter ] -Really? Health code violations?
-He’s like, “C? Oh –”
It was so hot, President Trump wasn’t
the only thing melting down. That’s how hot it was.
-Oh! -So much —
[ Cheers and applause ] So much has happened today. I will try
to break it down for you so you understand
what’s happening here. The day started off
pretty light. Okay? First it came out that while talking about
strengthening border security, Trump suggested building a moat filled with snakes
and alligators. [ Laughter ] And you know today was nuts ’cause that’s not even close
to being the craziest part. I mean, apparently, Trump said that he wanted
to protect the border wall using a moat filled with snakes
or alligators. When they heard that,
every Bond villain was like, “Good God, what is wrong
with this guy?” He wasn’t kidding. Trump even
told his staff to find out how much building the snake
and alligator moat would cost. That about sums up
working for Trump. One minute, you’re meeting
in the Oval Office. The next, you’re Googling, “How much does
an alligator moat cost?” [ Laughter ] Trump said the best part of the
alligator moat was telling Eric and Don Jr. that he built them
a new lazy river. “Me first.” “No, me first.” “I get the —
[ Chomp ] I get the pool noodle.” “No, I get the alligator float.” “It’s real!” [ Laughter ] Trump also said
he wanted the wall electrified with spikes on top
that could pierce human flesh. Kim Jong-un was like,
“Wait, this guy can have nukes, but I can’t?
Like, what’s the –” After the story broke, Trump
responded on Twitter and said, “Now the press is trying to sell
the fact I wanted a moot… [ Laughter ] …stuffed with alligators
and snakes.” I don’t know where to start. Well, he misspelled moat and wrote moot.
-Right. -When a staffer told him
about the mistake, Trump was like, “Whatever,
the point is moat.” [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] Thank you for getting that.
Thank you for getting that. See? I have faith in America! Come on.
I knew they’d get that get. -Come on.
-I love you guys. Trump also called
the story fake news. He was like, “It wasn’t
snakes and alligators. It was sharks and tornados. Fill it up with tornados. We have the technology.” Trump tweeted about the Ukraine
scandal and said, “What is taking place is not
an impeachment, it is a coup.” People saw that and were like,
“Wait a minute, how the hell did he spell coup
right and mess up moat?” [ Laughter ] And then Trump was really
in a foul mood because — And this is true — He tweeted
that the do-nothing Democrats are wasting everyone’s time
and energy on B.S. Take a look. Yeah. Mike Pence saw that tweet and
washed his eyes out with soap. He’s like, “Oh, my — Mother? Mother! Mother, slap me
across the face.” Here’s the fun part. All of that
happened before noon. So, that’s good. After that, though, Trump met
with the president of Finland. At one point, Finland’s
president said, “I’m finished.” And Trump was like,
“I feel your pain. I think I’m finished, too.” [ Laughter ] During his meeting
with the president of Finland, Trump took questions
from reporters and compared
Congressman Adam Schiff to his Secretary of State,
Mike Pompeo. He even went as far as to say that Adam Schiff couldn’t carry
Mike Pompeo’s jock strap. [ Audience groans ] But check out how he said it. -You know,
there’s an expression. He couldn’t carry
his blank strap. I won’t say it, because they’ll
say it was so terrible to say. But that guy couldn’t carry
his blank strap. Do you understand that? [ Laughter ] -What? -A blank strap is just
a jock strap worn by a Ken doll. Do you know what —
That’s a blank strap. “You know, you wear them
to protect your blanksticles. [ Laughter ] Do you understand
what I’m talking about?” Let’s get to
some better news here. A California woman just won the
world pumpkin pie eating contest after she ate 50 slices
in 10 minutes. Or as most Americans call that,
Thanksgiving. And finally, I heard that New Yorkers have been
smoking illegal toad venom. It’s crazy.
One week without vaping, they’re like, “Yo, you think
we can smoke that frog?”