The SUPER DUPER Secret Lore of Dark Souls 1

Like a fifty year old hooker with hair extensions
in her salt and pepper pubes, Dark souls’s plot has so many gaping holes, it’s a miracle
that anyone can feel a thing while playing with it. Humans have an inate desire to know
the unknowable, even it that means pulling theories out of their ass like a tapeworm
on taco tuesday. Instead of minding their fuckin business, English major burn-outs have
jizzed “secret lore” videos all over youtube in order to rake in add-revenue from rubes
who don’t know any better. Perhaps, what appals me most, is that these COCK SUCKAS base their
theories on item descriptions! That’s a bunch of HOOEY. You can’t tell the history of an
object just by looking at it. Otherwise, you could pick up a used condom off the side of
the road, know the life stories everyone who’s come into and into contact with it, and decide
whether or not its safe to turn inside out and use a second time. Unlike certain other
shitheads, I take the responsibility to not just recycle and engage in safe sex with filthy
WHORES, but to also always tell the truth. As a result, the points presented in this
video are not theories or open to interpretation, but are rather stone cold steve austin facts!
If I so much as hear a whisper from you knuckleheads doubting the veracity of what I’m about to
say, I’ll jam my gaGIGI so far down your fuckin troat I’ll be shooting jizz out of your asshole
like a can of silly string and everyone will just gather around and laugh at how silly
YOU look, you fuckin fanook! Dark Souls’s intro explains the backstory so plainly, its
a wonder these window lickers find any room to cram in their half assed interpretations.
But in case you’re a bunch of fuckin idiots, let me lay things out for ya. Gwyn was this
Jewish fella who was so afraid of the dark, whenever night came, he shacked up with anything
would hold still long enough for him to sploosh his moosh inside of their caboose, so that
he wouldn’t have to be alone in the dark. One night, after fucking a dragon so hard
he made it permanantly gape, Gwyn ran out of banana juice and his broken cock bent down
at a forty five degree angle, ensuring that he would only ever be able to fuck creatures
much smaller than himself. After trying, and failing to mash his mangled manly manicotti
inside a furative manlet’s asshole, this horned up retard became so furious that, with the
help of a harlequin fetus and the physical manifestation of his murdered boner, he shuffled
across a shag carpet, and thunderbolted all the dragons to death, save for all the ones
he didn’t for no particular reason. With his pecker broken, Gwyn couldn’t lure anyone back
to his room at night, so he built a big fuckin fire to hold off the dark. But being a typical
jewish fella, Gwyn didn’t want to spend money on expensive menorah oil. No, he “miraculously”
powered his nightlight by burning up the souls of humans instead! The player’s character,
aka the choosen undead, aka beef jerky dick, begins the game in a jail cell. I guess that,
since your soul is dark, someone in charge assumed you were black and locked you up for
everyone else’s saftey, which is probably why they call your characters room the Sickle-Cell.
It’s difficult to say how long your character was imprisoned before you take control of
him. I assume it was just long enough for him to go prison gay like the rest of the
goo gobblers in the jail. How do I know they’re all protein smuggling soyboys? Aids lession
textured skin, and keys jammed up their asses aside, look at the dumper on this Assylum
demon. His chocolate donut is so swollen from drinking in uncountable gallons of ice cold
zombie spunk that this fat tittied bitch could fill an olympic swimming pool with man mayonaise
from a single fart. And hey, who’s fooling who here? I’d fuck it. I mean, with my hands
all torn up and wrinkled from decaying for thousands of years, beating off dry would
hurt like hell! Why not engage in an exotic erotic demonic colonic? So when you get tired
of stabbing this finokio in the shitter, you leave the jail in the talon’s of a gigantic
fucking boyd. Which I think is a little silly, since instead of taking you directly to mordor,
this breadcrumb snatching fuck drops you off at the central hub instead. I get that this
cracker suckin pile of pillow stuffin is so stupid you can make it think it’s night time
by putting a fuckin blanket over it’s cage, but come on crow, at least take me to Anor
Londo first so I can get the Lord Vessel early, fuck! Lots of gabones gather at the firelink
shrine, including a kid so crest fallen that he dies if you try to give him the bone, and
this one idiot who’s head looks so much like an egg its no surpise he’s only been laid
once. If you aren’t a filthy pleb playing as a mage, none of these shit dicks will do
anything for you, so why even stick around? The only positive in the entire area is this
firekeeper. I like her, because unlike most broads, she knows how to keep her fucking
pie hole shut! Down the road you’ll find a settlement so jewy it’s got the word burg
in it’s name. These fuckers come at you like you’re waving a palestinian flag made from
intact foreskin and leavened bread, and for what? Hey fuckface, you’re undead, I’m undead.
Play nicey nice before I gotta punch your teeth so far down your troat you’ll be able
to chew apples with your asshole! What the fuck is this prick’s problem? He’s been locked
up for years in a tower gaurded by a dragon like some broad from a disney flick, and when
I finally let him out, he’s gotta act all tough. Hey Havel, is a little appreciative
sucky fucky too much to ask? The undeadburgensteinengoldmenenhebenkikenburg also includes a couple of hairy ass demons
that apparently got nothin better to do than give me a hard time. Some of these lore inventing
jerks would tell you these fuckers were placed here as gaurds by gwyn to test you, but it’s
obvious to me that their real problem with the chosen undead was good old fashioned dick
envy. The tauros demon is completely crotchless. Neither the banana or plumbs are to be found
on him and the capra demon’s locked up with these two dogs for so long that they’ve completely
licked the nuts out of his peanut butter! Other unique enemies in this area include
a dragon who’s ass falls off if you sneeze on it, some statues that are super slippery
from being covered in this oil, you know, the garg oil, and an aspergian idiot with
a hugbox for armor. You can also meet a complete fucking donk with a bucket for a helmet in
this area, but he’s only usefull to pansies that can’t solo bosses and meme loving fucks.
“Eeeh, Chosen Undead? Whys I gotta praise the sun in the shadey spot?” What? I’ve been
summoning you for hours, the whole FUCKING LEVEL’S A SUNNY SPOT YOU FUCKIN WHORE! Below
the burg, players too proud to choose the skeleton key at the begining of the game get
to walk around in LIQUID SHIT while surrounded by gigantic fuckin rats and aids frogs turned
gay by estrogen pissed into the water by FILTHY SLUTS who don’t wanna have no babies but are
too stuck up to let you punch em in the fucking stomachio. The big boss of the area is a homosexual
chinese lizard with a shit eating grin, called the “gay ping dragon”. And personally, it
think it’s fitting that Ping is chinese since after you eat his ass, you get hungry again
15 minutes later. Below this piece of piss is Blight town, or as I like to call it, little
mexico. There’s alot going on here so let’s tackle the subtle nuances one at a time. Near
the exit of the depths mother fuckers hit you with other mother fuckers. A shit sucking
tick services thousands of retard dicks through a glory hole who spits aids cum at you if
you try to stop it. And an invisible path in a tree stump eventually leads down to a
gay fursona who just stands there while you cleave his ass in two. If you head the other
direction you’ll hit a nasty ass hallway that needs to be dusted. Look at these lazy cock
suckers! Just loafing about while the cob webs build up. Here you’ll find perhaps the
cause of the biggest rift in the dark souls lore community. Some believe Queelagg has
a spider for a lower body due to coming into contact with the chaos flame. Others belive
having a gigantic spider for a snatch is simply part of the life cycle of a jewish woman.
Perhaps this nursery ryhme my mother used to read to me as I sucked on her TIT can shed
some light onto the situation. Lil mis Quelaag sat on her beanbag, flicking her stinkin bean.
Along came a spidey that sat down besidey and say “Hey, what’s in the cunt bitch?” And
due to it being a friday, and a freaky one at that, the moment the spider reached out
to touch Quelaags cunt, she came and started queefing reconstituted gefilte fish vapors
directly into the spiders troat, causing an alchemical reaction that fused the spider
to her body. And hey, I’m not judging the poor girl. I’d still fuck her! My smeckle’s
covered in flies any ways, so why not shove it in a spider’s mouth? When you finish playing
with your bellend, you can drop down even further where you’ll find a wide tongued strangler
of cats who watches you undress his dead sister, becomes enraged by the erection he cannot
understand, and dies like gollum at the end of Return of the King because he’s too fuckin
stupid to pull himself onto the ledge. Though to be honest, I have an affinity towards the
little guy since Ceaseless Discharge was my nickname in highschool. And I’m not bragging
over here, I’m just saying that there was a time in my life where I could host an impromptu
fondu party by letting broads dip their snacks into my underoos; which probably explains
most of the flies I mentioned earlier. Further below you’ll find an anal vore furfag’s paradise.
These semi sentient dinosaur anuses walk around waiting for a degenerate to mount them. Luckily
the lava in this area is so blinding you can barely fucking see them. Honestly, I don’t
get why the call it “Lost Izalith”. Nobody lost it, they fucking threw it away after
coming down with eye cancer. Other notable encounters in this area include a centipede
demon, it’s liquid shit spewing disembodied centipenises, instant noodle cups, a jerk
off who refuses to let me save him no matter how many times I try, and a witch who’s furious
because a pubic lice crawled inside her bush. If instead of heading down from the undead
burg, you went north, you’d encounter Sen’s Fortress. Here you’ll meet a man with a buttplug
for a head, giants who toss irate muslims at you, and a gigantic metallic jew. Now for
those that don’t know, a Golem is a creature from jewish folklore made from metal, stone,
or clay, that is brough to life by placing a magical scroll into it’s mouth. Fortunately,
this golem is made of iron, rather than gold, or he’d have likely eaten himself years ago.
However, this raises the question, does the Iron Golem have a fat iron foreskin? Being
jewish, I highly doubt it would remain intact. Chances are, after removing the skin, the
left over material was used to create the axe weilded by the golem But that raises another
question. How was the skin removed before the creation of the axe? Was the iron golem’s
skin bitten off by an iron Moyle? We may never know. Only the gargoyles surrounding the boss
fight arena give us a clue to the truth. If you look closely, you will see that their
mouths visually relay a secret message, one that you might say yourself while witnessing
a gigantic mettallic briss. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! After sending the golem to the scrap pile
you can touch a cheerio and a bunch of progeria kids will fly you to valhalla, where all the
grown up cum that Gwyn keep tossing around like confetti live. These children include
a homo who wants you to kneel in front of a hole in a wall and is later eaten by a turd.
There’s a lot of heresay as to why Gwyndolin is secretly imprisoned, so allow me to de-obfiscugatimatize
the events, exactly as they happened. One day, Gwyn was eating a bunch of super dry
fig newtons and wanted a glass of milk to cleanse his fuckin troat. While trying and
failing to find his daughter Gwynever for a a quick sip of the nip, Gwyn stumbled onto
Gwyndolin in his sister’s closet, trying on her dresses with a bunch of snakes jammed
up his shitter. What followed cannot be discussed in a family friendly video such as this. Lets
just say, Gwyn pulled out his horn, and the little boy blew. He needed the money! Needless
to say, I don’t blame Gwyn for what he did. That little transtesticle Gwyndolin is so
Kawaii, I want to hold him down and fart directly into his butthole so my red hot anal ambergreis
can infest his soul for all eternity. Is that so wrong? Anor londo is also a great place
for furries, fat fetishists, and dykes who like to get their box licked. If like me,
you can’t put up with the degeneracy for too long, you can always escape to the Painted
World of Harold Raimis. There a bunch of disembodied nutsacs worship a fursona that Gwyn sealed
away for the good of all. I mean, look at this bitch, she’s got a hairier ass than me.
She’s the kind of girl that would roll over on you in bed and ask “Hey, Choosen undead,
why yous always gots to put your tongue in my ass when I’ms tying ta sleep?” And frankly
my dear Priscilla, to be perfectly honest, I put my tounge in your ass cause your pussy
tastes like shit! Oh! Some believe that this black snake draining half drake in a painting
resulted from Gwyn hooking up with a pop rock covered, noodle legged newt during a lost
weekend atop the big rock candy mountain. But that makes no sense, Seethe ain’t gay.
He loves the pussy! When you break out of his jail, you find all kinds of maidens that
he hot glued with so much cum they started to look like slugs. Truley, Seethe is a man
after my own heart. Sometimes I’ll plop a drop of slop on a bitches face just so I don’t
have to recognize no-more. Then it’s like she’s a completely different whore from the
one I just plastered and my nuoget shooter powers back on. Also, Seethe bedazzled his
entire body like one of my flashy jackets because he knows the rhinestones make bitches
wetter than New Londo, oh! And hell, when you finally get around to killing Seethe,
you gotta break his crystal hymen first so you know he never took no cock that one time!
New orleans, I mean, flooded ass New Londo is a likely next destination after clearing
out Seethe’s clam shack. And when you get there, most players will find that, as in
life, you are surrounded by annoying white women that you aren’t allowed to hit. This
area also includes stupid fucks that walked around underwater for centuries because they
were too stupid to swim to the surface, drakes too dumb to understand ladders, 4 jerk offs
who’re about to get a cease and desist letter from the Tolkein estate for ripping off the
RingWraiths, and a gay snake that literally deep throats you so hard you wake up the next
day in a basement. Other destinations include a cemetary full of boney ass COCK SUCKAS,
and not the good, literal, kind of cock suckers, but the useless metaphorical ones! I’m glad
these asses get kidnapped and experimented on by this pervert in the bathrobe. My only
regret is that this level exists beneath john podesta’s yard, and all the shit he buries
in it starts showing up near the end. Now some retarded fuckin assholes claim lordrun
is a painted world, and I would almost agree due to these happy little trees, but as you
can see, upon closer inspection you’ll find they are actually quite furious. This forest
is most notable for it’s sacred butthole gate which leads to a puppy that the game expects
you to kill, a big gay butterfly that you’ll be more than happy to kill, and the biggest,
hairiest pussy other than priscilla’s. If you’re feeling a little frisky, you can slip
back into time with the help of a bitch with a steve martin arrow through her head and
revisit this forest back when it was still being planted by feral mexicans. This time
period is just after Artorias went black and nobody wanted him back. As a result, theres
abyss splooge all over the fuckin place like a thirteen year old boys bedroom. Oolacile
is gaurded by another one of those dragons Gwyn was too busy fuckin somethin to kill
and some furious ass lions, but hey, you’d be angry too if you had a spiky centiped jammed
up your booty hole without any lube. Minor enemies include the prostate headed jerkoffs
who are angry because their scarecrow arms prevent them from wiping their shit encrusted
anuses. You can team up with a smaller version of Sif to slip past the most dangerous monster
of all, little black babies in order murder a gorillamancer named Muh’Anus. And before
you leave, make sure you chat with the edgemaster supreme over here in the guy fawkes mask.
He doesn’t really add anything to the story, but every time you finish talking to him,
he describes my penis for some reason. And frankly I’m flattered. After you clear out
Oolacile, there’s no place left to go besides Gwyns overgrown ash tray. Everyone in this
game is too fuckin stupid to toss some twigs and old newspapers onto the first flame, so
you gotta jump into yourself after offing gwyn, or some other shmuck will come along,
kill you, then jump in himself. It’s a near endless cycle according to dark souls 2, but
that’s a video for another day and frankly, I’ve been busting so many metaphorical nuts
all over this video, my yambag’s aching and I’m all outta goo! Well, that’s it for today’s
video. If you liked it, feel free to tweet about it, subscribe, pour out a little milk
for my homie, or check out one of my paperbacks, audiobooks, or ebooks. Until the next video,
thanks for your time and GOODBYE!

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