– [Dunk] No way! They’re bringing back the forgotten Mario character? Doggio?
(Undodog) (Giggle) Look-! (Laughs) Oh, man!
I haven’t seen you since Hotel Mario. What is-? What is he up to? What are you up to boy? He’s onto something. He’s got some- You Sss… Stupid son of a bitch! You stupid dog! This is why they don’t put you in any other games anymore. Because of shit like this. You come on and do shit like this. You idiot! Hey, guys! I’m playing Mario maker with a blindfold on. So I can’t see anything. Am I winning? You tell me!
You can see, I can’t! I have a blindfold on. Am I jumping at the right time? I don’t know! I ca- I- I can’t even see those icicles. Because I have a BLINDFOLD ON. Uh-oh!
It sounds- It’s-
The music is- It sounds like- The sound effects are getting crazy. Email me.
Did I- Did I win or not? Send me an email. On YouTube. Am I wi-? Oh, shit! Oh, it’s- See ya, Bowser! See ya, fucking idiot! Not my fault.
I couldn’t see anything. They made the Sand Bird! (Laughs) Oh, that’s pretty cool. This is a cool one. “Elite Gamers Only” “If you’re not an elite gamer, don’t even try kiddo.” See, me? I’m an Elite Gamer that’s why I can play this. Most of you watching… you probably couldn’t handle this level, if I’m being honest. Why did they-?
Why did they make it do that? Well, now I know the trick. Once you know the trick, it’s — it’s a very easy stage, actually. You just have to-
You just have to- Yeah!
I can on- I can only imagine a non-elite gamer trying to play this stage. Yeah!
I’m not fall for that-! I’m not fall for that one! I’m an Elite Gamer this time! Ah, man… Yeah.
Just imagine trying to do this as a non-elite gamer. That will be so-
It will be- It will be futile, actually. ‘Cause you will never win. Let’s try out the, uh… The Online Co-op. Let’s see how this works. This is bad! (Laughs) This is really bad!
(Laughing) (continues laughing) What the fuck?
(Laughing) (still laughing) “Pasta is on sale for 1 coin, but Mario can’t find his wallet!” “Get the money!” Oh, just 1 coin.
That’s easy! There it is! There’s the coin! Get it! Get-
Ohhh… It’s a- It’s a-
It’s- They’re being- They’re being- It’s one of those. Real funny, guys! Keep it up.
Real- Watch this! I’m gonna break it!
I’m gonna break the level. They never thought you would do this… YAH! Get- Come on! I wanna break it! Didn’t think about this one, did you? Fuck. Here’s one. Hit- Yeah! Yeah! Go! Go! Go! Bah-bah-bah! (nervous gasps) What?
No! Why am I taking the slowest route? What am I do-? Why?! No! Ten bucks Doggio made this level. This is some bullshit that Doggio would make. Never thought I’d take the spring over here, did you? Doggio, you… fucking idiot! (Fart noise) Damnit! …Game sucks! AAAH! I win! Oh, this is a cool background. It’s like a-
Oh, shit! The real one is in here! No? Oh, god.
This is bad. This is- They follow you. The mushroom- Yeah! Yeah! What the fuck?
(Laughing) Why is it bouncing away?
(Laughing) Get up!
What the-? There! Alright! Okay! Okay!
This is fine! This is fine! Oh, shit! (Chuckles) Oh, shit… Ah! Nah! Okay now, this level right here, this is for Elite Gamers Only. So, everybody avert your eyes. Elite Gamers only, can watch this. Yah!
See that? You see what I’m doing? Now, it- It- It- You have to remember that I’m ranked Gold in Overwatch. So this all just comes naturally to me. Most people-
Most people are never gonna get- Never even gonna see — 1% of this level. But, me? I-
Now, look at what I do here.. I say: Yah! Boom! Ho! Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Woo! “Reach the goal after defeating the Goonbud.” What do-? Huh? What do you do? Oh, it’s a race! You see him up there? Oh, ho.
Is- Goonbud, you son of a bitch! (Laughs) You think you can race Ol’ Uncle Dunkey… in Mario? (Laughs) Oh, you make me laugh, Goonbud! Oh, I’m laughing so hard right now! Hit this! Oh, look at ’em! Look at ’em, he’s trying to win! He’s trying to win! (Laughs) It’s- It’s adorable. It’s adorable that he’s-
He’s even called- Hey, come back! Come back!
(Laughing) How do you beat this? The fuck it-?! Get-! Shit! No!
(Laughing) Get the f-! Get-! God-damn! GET-UP! There! Okay! Okay!
Bah-bah! Come on, you Goombud.
You son of a bitch.
(With a very raspy voice) You race me in Mario? (stutters) He already won. He’s gone. Come on!
Fuck Reggie! Fuck Reggie! Fuck Nintendo! Fuck everybody watching! Mario sucks, it’s a bad franchise… I like Sonic more. Oh, there we go. Okay! Alright! We gotta-
I think we got ’em on this one. ‘Cause I had to- Eeeeeeeehh…
(Angry) It’s not even fair. It’s not even a fair race because he just has a — he just flies on a straight path to the finish line. I have-
Meanwhile, I have to overcome all these obstacles. It’s just Bad Game Design 101. (stutters) I’m the be-. I’m the best! I’m the best in the world! I’m the best Mario player in the world! (stutters) I see him! I see him! (stutters) (Laughs) You son of a bitch. You thought-
Did you really think you could beat me in Mario? Be honest.
Did you really think you could beat me in Mario? (Laughs) Ah, it doesn’t-
It doesn’t count as a kill if you kick him off the ledge. (Creepy Music)
(Paul Masson Wine Commercial) – [Orson Welles] “MwaahHAAA-” – [Dunk] “You monster.” “One day you will pay the price for what you’ve done.” Yeah, right! Look at this dipshit Goomba. I don’t care! I don’t care! Now, let’s go in the house to destroy the rest of the family. (Creepy Music)
[ ♪ “Med Sci 2” – System Shock 2 OST ♪ ] (“Castle Theme” from SMB3 in the background) What is this now? What are they-? OH! You go to hell! You go to hell for killing all the Goombas. Ok- What happens if you kill the Goomba in hell? (Bell ringing) Ohhhh…. Now I see. Come on, Goomba. I’ll save you. Boom! I’m saving you, guys. Except for that one. That one-
(Laughs) His- Wow! It’s like a-
It’s a tale of redemption. Dang! That’s a good storyline for that level. And then — You know, Mario learns a lesson. He learns: “Maybe shouldn’t kill all the Goombas, I t-” He didn’t learn anything! He fucking just did it again! He’s son of-
He’s evil! (Chuckles) You know the level’s good when they got Yoshi. Yoshi on a level? That’s when you know it’s good. Woo!
Bye-bye, Yoshi! Eh… This is a shit level! This is a idiot-! This-
Whoever made this is a- Shh! Everybody, shut up! I need complete silence for this part. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Shit! Shit! No. Go. Shit! (Chuckles) No-ho-ho-ho… Okay! Okay! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boo-!
Pah! No! No! Get-! Pah-!
No! Shit! Pooh-! (Angry) No-ho! Woah!
WHAT THE FUCK?! This game is talking shit to me. Reggie? Bobbie! You think I’m not good enough to beat the level? Jeez, you — you put this message infront of me? What are you trying to say Reggie?! (Slams his desk)
Huh? Huh? I fucking suck at Mario? “Skip the level button-” You fucking motherfucker Reggie! You just fucked with the wrong guy! You just fucked with the wrong-! Watch this shit! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Now what, Reggie? Now what? “You can hit the skip button and skip the whole fucking game” ” ’cause you’re not good at Mario.” “It’s me, Reggie.” “Here’s the company, Bowser.” Idiot! That’s the bad guy. Now, watch this… (Heartbeats) It all comes down to this… (Heartbeats) (Weird scream sfx) I have a blindfold on- [OUTRO]
♪ “Super Bell Hill” – Super Mario 3D World OST ♪