CGR Undertow – CHESS review for PlayStation

CGR Undertow – CHESS review for PlayStation

You know, after a while, the game in this
game, basically just turned into “how fast can Derek lose at chess?” And I don’t
care who you are, 58 seconds is pretty goddamn impressive. It’s Chess. Just, chess. For the PlayStation. Oh, f*ck you. I mean, I didn’t even know it was possible
to lose that fast at chess. Come on, less than a minute? Who programmed this game—Norwegian
chess champion Magus Carlsen? Or was it this little brat? Who in addition to being a liar,
is also, probably an orphan. By the way, she’s apparently the easiest character in this game,
and the best I could do against her, was a goddamn stalemate. A stalemate. With a freaking eight-year-old orphan. Hey.
Matilda. What if the competition was, who has a mother who loves them? Who would win
then? You little brat. Oh, f*ck you. So this is just about the simplest game that’s
ever gamed, it’s chess. You can either play a friend, or play a computer opponent. There
are nine of them, and each one is apparently one level harder than the one before. I don’t
know if that’s true, I seemed to have my best game against this level-nine old man. Which is what I hope to be one day, a level-nine
old man. Dude thinks a lot, though. I mean, what’s there to think about, it’s
your second move? I guess when you could literally die any second,
what the hell does it matter? Oh, for f*ck’s sake, come on, old man. Really, that’s it? 30 seconds to move a
pawn? Oh, that’s fine, take your time. No rush,
not like I have a game to review. So as you can tell, regardless of age or nearness
to the grave, your opponents are huge assholes who think just because they’re good at chess,
that means something. What the little girl and the old man don’t seem to realize, is
that I’m the only one of us who’s both eligible to vote, and mentally stable enough
to remember who the candidates are. I make a difference. And this chick’s just stupid—who uses
chicken as an adjective? I’m a chicken. Nice boobs, by the way. How much you pay for
those? Look, I could sit here and pick fights with
fictional people all day long. Point is, this is chess, and…I don’t know, it’s chess,
you guys. You can change the color of the background. Much in the same way you can also
change your curtains, or wallpaper. And looking at the options menu, it seems like you can
change the style of the board, and the pieces… You probably have to unlock them somehow. There’s no f*cking way I’d be able to
do that, I can’t even beat Matilda. I guess what I’m saying is, this is a really
good, minimalistic chess game for the PlayStation. And if you want a really good, minimalistic
chess game for the PlayStation…well, this is a really good, minimalistic chess game
for the PlayStation. The board and the pieces look good, the game plays fine…I’d recommend
playing with friends, though. Because none of these people, have any interest
in being friends. Am I right, Matilda? Little brat. It’s Chess, for the PlayStation. Just, chess.

28 thoughts on “CGR Undertow – CHESS review for PlayStation

  1. Chess is great but backgammon is divine. Getting good backgammon games for consoles is hard. I have one for Xbox 360 that plays really well on the hardest level but the music is awful and nobody plays it online or the servers are down .

  2. (MINDLESS SARCASM) AH! She has all black eyes and a blank stare!
    Quick! Lock your doors! Don't let her come inside! (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)


  4. I think the simplicity of the game matches kind of poorly with this kind of schtick-driven review style, but props for going against un-obvious targets.

  5. I found this game at a thrift store several years ago. It's still sitting on my shelf. Not sure why I bought it. But your review has given me reason to bust it out.

  6. The reason it has to think so hard on the second move is a4 is such a terrible move, it had to go out of it's book.

  7. Derek is such a terrible reviewer. He isn't funny, he isn't informative, and he is annoyingly egotistical.

  8. Seems like a game that could have been on NES (with a minor graphical downgrade, of course). The music is pretty good though, for elevator muzak!

  9. Battle Versus Chess for the PS3 is awesome. It isn't sold in America so I had to order it from the UK. But it works on American PS3s. If you like Chess, get that. It's much better than this crap.

  10. Hilarious.  Loved it.  Would never have guessed that there would be so much shit talking from the npcs.

  11. What is the ELO rating of the engine used for this game? Can you set up positions and play from their like in Chessmaster II? Does it have an analysis function like CM II? More details please.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *