Can You Beat Pong Without Moving?

Can You Beat Pong Without Moving?


Pong is widely considered to be the world’s
first “video game”. The story is unparalleled, the voice acting is top notch, the gameplay
is everything you could ask for in a 2020 video game, but Can You Beat Pong Without
Moving? To start, let’s first discuss what qualifies
as “movement” in Pong. It’s up or down ya fuckin’ idiot what else did you think
it would be. For personal reasons, and as to not violate any restraining orders, I ended
up choosing Pong: The Next Level for the Gameboy Color as the version of Pong I would play.
I didn’t want to play it in a browser. Pong’s not a complicated game, but something about
virtually playing it on an emulated version of the game’s console felt more authentic
than playing it in a web internet browser. Also because finding a way to play the arcade
version of Pong in an emulator was far more convoluted than I expected it to be. Crack your knuckles and give your mustache
twirl, because we’re in. Before doing anything else, I had to stretch. You always want to
work your legs a bit before hunkering down for a flight. Not that I would really know
anything about that. The last time I was on a plane was when I went to Disney World in
2005 and that was only like a 3 hour flight. With all the formalities out of the way, I
began the challenge of beating Pong without moving. In case you either didn’t know or lacked
the higher brain functionality to put it together on your own, the mechanics of Pong are not
very difficult. Where the ball hits the paddle determines where the ball goes. If it’s
closer to the center, it’s effectively straight across the field. If it’s towards edge,
it’ll be a more extreme angle. That’s about it. In this version of Pong, you need
11 points to win. Going in, I expected this to be a colossal
time-sink. I thought it would be a numbers game, unrelated to the scores required to
win. Call me a cheater if you want, but I sped up the game using an emulator for this
exact reason. Difficulty is nonexistent. The question wasn’t supposed to be can it be
done, rather it was how long it would take. There are a couple problems worth pointing
out. The first is the likelihood that the ball hits my paddle at all upon being served.
It was not at all uncommon for the ball to miss my paddle for 8 or 9 out of the 11 servings
in a match. So, statistically, it doesn’t look good. Let’s say it hits my paddle 8
out of 11 times. That’s a 27% chance to bounce the ball back. Even if that guaranteed
a victory, it would have to happen 11 times total. There can only be 21 servings in a
game, 52% (11 out of 21) of those must hit my paddle but you know what, this doesn’t
even matter. You wanna know why? Here’s why. I spent 50 minutes playing Classic Pong. With
the fast-forwarding enabled, you’re looking at, at most, 10 seconds per match. Add another
second to restart and you’re at 11 seconds per match. Over the course of 50 minutes,
I played, spectated I guess, at least 270 games. Not once did I ever even score a single
point. And very, very rarely did I hit the ball back twice in one volley. It’s not
up to me, it’s up the the computer and where they hit the ball with their paddle. But here’s the thing about that, they’re
programmed to automatically go towards the ball and because you’re not moving, there’s
a limit to how far up or down the ball goes. It will never bounce off your paddle at such
an extreme angle that the computer paddle can’t hit it back. It’s just impossible
for the ball to not be hit back. And if the opponent never misses, it wouldn’t even
matter if my stationary paddle could hit it back. Best case scenario, you’re stuck in
an infinite loop where nobody misses the ball so nobody can ever score a point. I felt defeated. The last time I did this
much nothing I was in high school. I may not have turned in any Algebra 2 assignments or
answered any of the questions on a quiz, but I sure as shit beat Pokemon Blue by the time
the year was over. I then moved on to Jungle Pong (57 min), thinking I might catch a break.
Things got interesting here, I actually managed to get some points. But this is not Pong, this is some sick fuck’s
idea of a good time. Like a block of cheese that’s been sealed in a jar for 15 years,
this is something that was never supposed to exist. Soccer Pong is another monstrosity.
It’s just wrong. There are 4 paddles and you control 2 at the same time. Even I have
my limits, I went back to regular Pong to cleanse my pallet after that. (28ish) And there I sat, stewing in my own madness,
for a solid 20 minutes. I’d modified the controls a bit so I didn’t even have to
hold down the fast-forward button anymore. The game almost plays itself, I just have
to press A every 12 seconds or so to start a new game. I would love to tell you that
something worth mentioning happened during those 20 minutes, but that would be a lie
and I’ve never lied in my life. I never scored a point, I never even came close, I
never had even the slightest bit of confidence that I would ever get a point. I think by
this point with all the nothing you’ve seen you understand why this is a completely hopeless
endeavor. But if I’m going to fail, I’m gonna add
some flair. If I’m gonna fall out of a plane without a parachute, I’m gonna chug a gallon
of food coloring so my splattered corpse looks like a fucking rainbow. There was one last
option that I hadn’t looked at, I didn’t want to even entertain the idea of Arctic
Pong (58ish) until I was prepared for it: mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually,
virtually, hypothetically, all of it. The time had come, I had to see the face of
God for myself. My fingers trembled as I navigated towards option number three. Just, just…
look at it. Take it all in. The penguins, it makes me wanna cry just thinking about
it. It was truly magnificent. It was everything I hoped it would be. Noah figured this out
decades ago, that Penguins are the key to it all. They make or break this challenge,
I think you knew when you saw this video’s title that it would all come down to penguins. It’s hard to critique perfection but I’ll
give it a shot. The problem here is that in theory, it would be possible to win in this
winter wonder land of Pong. There are power ups that change things up and revolutionize
the Call of Duty franchise in ways never before seen before in Call of Duty, forget what we
said in last year’s trailer, this is the most innovative Call of Duty ever forever.
The only power up, ability, whatever, that matters is the one that doubles the ball.
The computer AI can’t keep up or split itself in half, so that power up is basically a sometimes
automatic point for you. Sometimes you get a point from it, sometimes you don’t. The issue is that from what I saw, you can
only get it once per match, it won’t appear more than that. You can also get an ability
that lets you hit the ball at an extreme angle, then it can bounce off a penguin at an already
extreme angle to go so far beyond 45 degrees that reality itself starts to collapse in
on itself around the ball and you get a point. But again, that only seems to happen once
per match. I scored points consistently, “points” in this instance meaning the total collection
of my point earned throughout all games played, but it never went beyond a single point in
a game. I tried everything I could think of. I played
every possible variation of Pong in this game that God forgot, but I could not beat Pong
without moving. If you enjoyed the video, learned anything,
or just liked seeing the penguins, leave a Like. Leave a dislike if you didn’t enjoy
the video or didn’t learn anything. Thanks to the Champion tier supporters as well as
other channel members for making videos like this one possible. Join the Mitten Squad Discord
if you’d like to get a glimpse at what Hell looks like, I have Twitter and say things
there sometimes. My name is Paul of Mitten Squad, have a wonderful day.

100 thoughts on “Can You Beat Pong Without Moving?

  1. Guys where is can you beat Fallout 3's the Pitt DLC without taking any damage? Or better yet(which is harder to do) can you beat Fallout 3's Broken Steel DLC without taking any damage?

  2. I want to know your opinion on kingdom hearts and if you're down maybe play a couple of them. I'm sure you support mickey mouse and his underage anime lover

  3. "If I'm gonna fall out of a plane without a parachute, I'm gonna chug a gallon of food-coloring so my splattered corpse looks like a fuckin' rainbow ."
    Your quotes never cease to awe.

  4. Thanks for sharing this incredible waste of time with the world, so that they too can waste time in the most efficient way possible.

  5. I asked all the other fiends in the Ratatouille club if they got a random notification from the mysterious Mitten Prime and they all said no. I feel special.

  6. Your ability to talk to us while the game literally does absolutely nothing is amazing. I love your commentary’s.

  7. I’m mad that it took me this fucking long to learn you had a second channel. Saved me from rewatching another one of your new vegas playthroughs for the 167th time.

  8. What about that pong machine from the late 70s where you can have one massive paddle and your opponent has a tiny speck of a paddle, bet then it would be doable.

  9. I feel like this could be revisited in a pong game that uses true random ball starting positions. Cos there's totally a pattern to where the ball gets put at every start.

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